Fear and my 3 Month Follow Up with my Doctor

Sunday, May 20

This Thursday was my three monthly follow up with my Surgeon.

 And to be honest I was Terrified.  

While trying on Wedding dresses recently, I noticed that a mole on my chest was looking darker, and I was afraid that it may be another melanoma.

So worried that I was in tears on Wednesday evening, and my friends at work consoled me five times during the day as I sobbed in anticipation of my appointment that afternoon. 


The thought of having another melanoma right now and having another chunk of tissue removed is unbearable.  Unbearable and especially unfair as I have already ordered my Wedding dress.  The dress style is accommodating the large scar on my back, and I can't face the thought of changing the style of the front of the dress too.

The Doctor pretty much pounced on the suspect mole as I removed my jersey and my heart sank as I told her that I too had recently noticed that it looked different.

I climbed onto the bed and the Nurse prepared the Siascope scanning machine to place over the culprit.

I held my breath as the round images came up that show any changes to be concerned about.

Picture one: NO remarkable colour changes when magnified.
Picture two: NO increase in haemoglobin or blood vessels too the area.
Picture three: NO increase in melanin.  (Precursor to Melanoma)
Picture four: NO increase in Collagen fibres.

I almost cried (for about the 7th time in 18 hours) with joy as the Doctor reassured me that everything was ok and that we would only need to check the mole again in three months time.



I got home to a gorgeous bunch of flowers from Pete, and sobbed again with relief and exhaustion. 

I cried at the gradual subsiding of the underlying Fear that I carry with me knowing that it is not common to have had a Melanoma at age 28, let alone three.

My right arm aches, where the lymph nodes were excised, a lot.  A vague, unrelenting pain from my axilla down to my hand, coupled with the converse lack of feeling over my shoulder and the back of my arm.

Right now, I don't think I could handle any more surgery.  

But then I feel guilty knowing that others have been through SO much more than I have, and that I should be so so grateful that my cancer is all gone.

But sometimes it takes so much effort and energy to be grateful, and the fear takes over.

I am so blessed to have the phenomenal support network that I do.  Thank you to my incredible Fiancee, Family, Friends and the Amazing Physio's that I work with, for helping me mop up all my tears this week.

And on to a Happier Week!

 
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